Lately, God has presented me with a little bit of a storm. I've been struggling tremendously with my emotions, my attitude and my faith. I have been more irritable that usually, letting everything irk me. I have been overly sensitive in the way I take people words and actions. I've been so negative about school, my relationships, work, and many other aspects of my life. My optimism is at a all time low.
I feel like everything is going the wrong way. It's making me miserable. My mental checklist goes like this:
- Work: I cant handle these boys anymore. Their disrespectfulness has reached an all time high with me. Arguing my every decision relentlessly. Day in and day out, I work so hard to be the best nanny I can be for them. I cater to their every need. Take them to sports games, play practices, last minute Halloween costume shopping. I listen to their demands of a PB&J with not too much peanut butter and too much jelly on a toasted piece of cinnamon swirl bread and a cup of green tea with a spoonful and a half of sugar not stirred but swirled. Talk about high maintenance. Yes I know this is my job and I do get paid, but is this ok? Shouldn't their parents correct them when I tell them of the boys disobedience?
- School: What am I doing? I feel worthless some days after class. I never feel that I am improving, rather, loosing my touch. I mean last year I got all A's and a B. This year I am struggling to maintain a B average although I am working harder than ever. I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do with my life. I mean If i cant even get an A in a class how am I supposed to make it in the industry. I'm not confident in myself.
- Faith: I have lost touch of God. That is never a good thing. I haven't picked up my bible since I got here when I was reading it everyday. And instead of reaching out to God everyday, I pray when I need something. Isn't that how it always is. I don't want that! I want to feel God's mighty hand on me. I need to get back into his presence.
- Life: It's not going great. I'm upset all the time about little things. I am seriously homesick for the first time in my whole life. I cant get my emotions in check. I am hardly eating, not because I can't, because I'm not hungry. I have no motivation to go to the gym or leave bed if I don't need to. I have a flat tire or my car from running over a curb and I screwed up the axle. Tomorrow I find out if its going to be a $600 expense for me. I don't have that kind of money... at all. I am an unpleasant person to be around, and it's taking a toll on Jordie and Hails. I want to be myself again. I hate this funk that I'm caught in. I'm trapped, I want out of this box.
I hope that isn't too bold to spill my life out to the world like that. Sometimes things like that have to happen. Something happened this week though. Sunday, my pastor spoke on Mark 10: 46-52. It is the story of Bartimaeus the blind man.
46 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”
49 Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”
So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.
51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road."
Pastor emphasized that he said, "...have mercy on me!" Don't we all need a little mercy from the Lord? We are far from perfect people. We have times like I am having now, where you just need the mercy of the Lord to heal our broken hearts.
Pastor had us repeat this prayer,
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner."
There is something so pure about repenting that way and asking for a little help. Thats what he's there for, right? So this week, over and over and over I have repeated this prayer. Asking for the Lord to replenish my faith, to heal my hurting and lost heart, to help me see my life in a new way. For Him to help me see myself and my life as He sees it; beautiful.
It's working. Having faith always works, even when you've forgotten how to have it. I have a new perspective on everything today. My mental checklist looks a whole lot different.
Work: These boys are sweethearts. Their sweet smiles and laughter makes my day. Their 'thank yous' are heard loud and clear today. I'm so happy I have a job that is so flexible and provides the pay I need right now. I need to try my best to have patience with them.
School: This is hard work, but God didn't place me here for nothing. I need to be here because this is my passion. I am good a this. I need to remember that I am still learning and that I can get things wrong. It is only my first time. Chefs are there to help me, not hurt my ego or my feelings only for constructive criticism.
Faith: It is becoming restored. Lord, you are showing mercy on me everyday even when I don't ask for it. I am renewed in spirit. I and urning for His word.
Life: It's gonna get better. I'm in a storm, but there is always calm after the storm. I get to go home in EIGHT days! You can make it! Then you can be in the loving arms of your family and the reassuring comfort they provide. Eat food! You are hungry now, ( and for more than just food!) Your car will be ok. The Lord will provide all you need for your car and thats all you need to remember. Work on your attitude toward everyone. It will make it better on you and most the people you love most. You are on the mend. You are being shown mercy every day. And you above all are utterly blessed. Do. Not. Forget.
Until Next Time,
Jasmine
49 Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”
So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.
51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road."
Pastor emphasized that he said, "...have mercy on me!" Don't we all need a little mercy from the Lord? We are far from perfect people. We have times like I am having now, where you just need the mercy of the Lord to heal our broken hearts.
Pastor had us repeat this prayer,
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner."
There is something so pure about repenting that way and asking for a little help. Thats what he's there for, right? So this week, over and over and over I have repeated this prayer. Asking for the Lord to replenish my faith, to heal my hurting and lost heart, to help me see my life in a new way. For Him to help me see myself and my life as He sees it; beautiful.
It's working. Having faith always works, even when you've forgotten how to have it. I have a new perspective on everything today. My mental checklist looks a whole lot different.
Work: These boys are sweethearts. Their sweet smiles and laughter makes my day. Their 'thank yous' are heard loud and clear today. I'm so happy I have a job that is so flexible and provides the pay I need right now. I need to try my best to have patience with them.
School: This is hard work, but God didn't place me here for nothing. I need to be here because this is my passion. I am good a this. I need to remember that I am still learning and that I can get things wrong. It is only my first time. Chefs are there to help me, not hurt my ego or my feelings only for constructive criticism.
Faith: It is becoming restored. Lord, you are showing mercy on me everyday even when I don't ask for it. I am renewed in spirit. I and urning for His word.
Life: It's gonna get better. I'm in a storm, but there is always calm after the storm. I get to go home in EIGHT days! You can make it! Then you can be in the loving arms of your family and the reassuring comfort they provide. Eat food! You are hungry now, ( and for more than just food!) Your car will be ok. The Lord will provide all you need for your car and thats all you need to remember. Work on your attitude toward everyone. It will make it better on you and most the people you love most. You are on the mend. You are being shown mercy every day. And you above all are utterly blessed. Do. Not. Forget.
Until Next Time,
Jasmine
Thank you Lord for your Mercy on my precious child. Thank you for hearing my prayers.
ReplyDeleteJasmine - your heart is so special. Thank you for being so open. Praying for you sweetie!
ReplyDeletethank you robyn:)
ReplyDelete